Good blog...

I just wanted to blog a quick post.

I've been pondering the current shaking in the earth.

I read this great blog (someone I personally know, so it's solid).

Check it out. Get clarity. I've been more aware lately then ever that I'm unprepared for the days ahead.

who has stood in the counsel of the Lord?

Who of us truly likes discomfort? I pray that God will continue to offer me chances at voluntary weakness and that I would actually begin to take Him up on that offer. I'm thankful that I know one of best ways to gain grace to say yes to this is through prayer...

2 other blogs that recently have been an encouragement and slight challenge to me (both good friends, so also really really legit):

poverty of spirit

and

how to become a fool

last but not least. I love what this guy posts. not an acquaintance, but definitely legit.

http://www.joelstrumpet.com/

The simple woman's day book

Outside my window.. is the dark, dark night. however, next to me and quite "inside my window" is my amazingly handsome husband. I'm very blessed.

I am thinking...  about the Sunday school class that my husband is teaching tomorrow and next week and I'm teaching the following 2 weeks after, along with a couple other amazing teachers. I'm excited and nervous.

I am thankful for... food that is in my house, the roof over my head, the heater that warms our home, the fact that even though my heart is hard I still desire to desire Jesus (and that's only Holy Spirit), my precious family and lovely friends.

.
From the learning rooms... we've taken a full week off from schoolwork, around here. that darn flu bug is still trying to keep the little one down. we'll get back up and dust off next week and go for it again, I'm so grateful for homeschooling!

From the kitchen... moroccan stew from yesterday's dinner. it makes me happy and it makes me feel healthy. here's my version of the recipe i got from someone else. 

1 med onion diced

1 tbsp butter

1 tbsp olive oil

2 tsp cumin

1 tsp cinnamon or 1 cinnamon stick

1 good sized butternut squash

4 med potatoes (usually red or yukon yellow or 3 brown and 1 sweet)

2 cans chick peas (1 drained, 1 not)

1 can diced tomatoes (not drained)

2-3 cups chicken or veggie broth (I use water here with "better than bouillon")
1 lemon juiced
salt and pepper to taste
1 pinch of saffron strands (it tastes yummy without, but I like it)
2 extra cups of water 


**Big stew pot** Dice the onion and saute in oil/butter mixture with cumin and cinnamon. Skin and chop up the squash and potatoes into med sized pieces and throw them in to the pot once the onions become slightly transparent. Coat all of the added veggies with the oil/butter/seasoning/onion mixture and add some salt/pepper. Next add the 2 cans of chick peas and the can of diced tomatoes. Mix it again and again add salt/pepper. Here's where you throw in the rest of the ingredients and let the whole pot boil, then I usually put the lid on it and turn it down to low for about 30 minutes or until taters and squash is tender. The last 20 minutes I turn on my kettle and boil up some water... then I grab a big old casserole dish and measure out my couscous. After the waters boiled I pour it over said couscous and put a tight lid/foil over it to keep the heat in for 10 minutes. This is the best way that I've found to cook the couscous for it to be light and ready to absorb all the wonderful flavors of the stew. This is by far one of my most favorite meals and I always feel to satisfied after eating it. 

I am wearing... flannel pj bottoms, a green long sleeve shirt and a brown sweater. I'm comfy and I think everyone else should be too. I realized recently, it's actually scary that it took me all of my life to realize it, that I care way more about comfort then style. It's a sad thought.

I am creating... a blog? gosh... this has definitely not been my most creative season. hmmm. well, I am in the middle of making a baby hat for a baby shower coming up. Crocheted, puff stitch, creme cotton yarn, huge cute girly flower.

I am going... to bed soon so I don't wake up late for Sunday school class. Before I do that, however, I'm going to the kitchen to see if there's anything I can eat a little of and take a couple vitamins. 

I am reading... through the Bible in 90 days. confession: I'm behind. confession: I'm always behind until I catch up and then I get behind again. I don't let me myself get behind more then a couple days, but with this reading schedule that seems to be anywhere from 20 - 35 chapters that I could potentially be behind at any one moment.. lol! I love the pressure! It's actually going really well and I love it. I'm just literally starting my Psalms portion today and am so happy to be in that section of the Word. I encourage any of you to go for a planned Bible routine, it really helps. I am also reading a new parenting book that has been encouraging me in the difficult ways of parenting, called "Shepharding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp.

I am hoping... that it won't always be crisis that tenderizes my heart. honestly.

I am hearing... the soft drip, drip, dripping of the rain outside of my window. the clicking of the keyboard and my husbands calm breathing.

Around the house... don't think about house, don't think about house... oh. hmmm. well, around the house is messy messes. Seems like every surface has something on it and if you know me then you know that's not my love language. ha. Seriously, something I'm learning is to let things go a bit. I could definitely be up cleaning and picking up right now, but I'd much rather sit next to my hubby for a bit.

One of my favorite things... is the sound and smell of rain. it's cleansing and refreshing. I don't necessarily always appreciate it, but I have fond memories of the rain. When I was very young, before my parents divorced, we lived in a big old 3 story victorian house in Jersey. One year my dad took off the metal railing of the front porch and make a wooden bench there instead. The way it was situated, you could sit on it and it was far enough from the edge that you could really enjoy the rain and the night. I long to have a front porch again someday for sitting on and thinking and spending time with God. In my memories, it was magic.

A few plans for the rest of the week... back to schoolwork/chores. finish my baby hat project, spend less time "doing" and more time "being". I know, it's a dichotomy... but those are my plans, nonetheless. 


I thought I'd try something new with this... I think it was fun. 

John and Jenn sitting in a tree... k *i*s*s*i*n*g

Okay everyone... who wants to know the story of John and I? I knew it! Everyone ;) ! Well, one year ago today my entire life changed and something that I felt like I had waited forever for was unfolding right before my eyes. This is such a testimony of God's miracle working power and His redemptive heart. If anyone wants to know some more details of that redemptive work, read on... it's long.

I honestly don't remember the first time I met John but I sure do remember the impression he left on me and it wasn't a good one. He struck me as a little too sure of himself and just not a very warm person. Again I can say with all confidence, I was ridiculously wrong on that estimation! :) It was around the time when I first moved here over 4 years ago that I was introduced to John. A couple years after meeting him and seeing him around or hearing his name frequently, we both got hooked up with the Watch of the Lord and more specifically to friendship with the Scofields. It seemed that since that time, we just would consistently be with the same group of people pursuing the same interests and with a similar zeal for the Lord. When I'm honest with myself, I can say that I saw him as a great catch (although I would never have been caught dead saying that out loud to anyone!) while at the same time, somethings about him really bothered me. A man pursuing God and growing and changing more into the likeness of Jesus over the years... although not perfectly, allowing himself to be changed. I loved that about him and did often say to friends that I really respected Him as a man of God. I loved seeing him run after God, leaving his past behind him and pressing on. I could totally relate to that... that whole weak but lovely to God thing. At a few points, some mutual friends of ours would either try to hook us up or just drop crazy hints about us getting together (Charis, Shaun, Joe, Christina... you know who you are!). This was COMPLETELY OUT OF THE QUESTION. It was more then obvious that I *furiously* irritated him and we would never quite move past "just getting along for the sake of honoring God and nothing else". I mean, how could I even possibly let down my guard with a man who made me question myself to the degree that he did. How funny that is now. Eventually our dislike of each other crescendoed into an outright argument in the middle of a home-group one night. It was terrible! It actually became uncomfortable and awkward for everyone there. That was the breaking point with me. I couldn't take it anymore, I was so frustrated that over time I had repeatedly tried my very hardest to be nice to him and his reciprocation was less friendly then ever. I remember saying to my friend Will that I guess I couldn't ask John to just like me because we're both believers or even have a hope for that... but  he told me, no Jenn... you have a right to want him to like you as a friend. It's ok to want to get along with him. Either that evening or the next day I texted John that we HAD to sit down and come to some terms of respect for each other... JUST TO GET ALONG! We met that Monday or Tuesday but by the time we actually sat down to talk John had already decided to just be nice to me from now on... wow. so awesome of him. really *dripping sarcasm*. Our conversation basically went like this....

John, "so I decided that I'll be nice to you from now on"
me, "wow. so what revelation hit you and made you decide that?"
John, "well, I just decided"
me, "why didn't you decide it before now?"
John, "because you really annoy me"
me, "ok thanks. so glad to finally move on"

ok, so that's my take on it... but I think it's pretty right on.

We left Starbucks that day and he honestly treated me better from that moment on. If fact, he was nicer to everyone, as some of my friends will attest to. Over the next 6 months I saw him growing in tenderness and maturity. If you ask him, he'll probably relay his favorite testimony of the whole ordeal... he actually went to a respected "elder" (hehe) and expressed his annoyance of me. That awesome "elder"(hehe) encouraged him with the beatitudes take on it. He said to John, " you know what you need to do if she's bothering you that much". and John's response was.... I guess I have to pray for her, because she makes me so angry...!

can I just say

OUCH

yes. I was his enemy and he prayed for me. Now we know that Jesus' wisdom in this is unsurpassed... praying for your enemies REALLY tenderizes our hearts for those people. I ask John to no longer pray for any enemies, as he can only have one wife.

Anyways, on with the story.

I really did notice that John's heart was changing quite a bit, although I didn't read into it at all. I knew that the Lord was doing something with him and I was grateful that he and I would finally get along. Around the holidays I heard that a few people from the Watch of the Lord weren't going back home to family for Thanksgiving. I absolutely love inviting people to come to my families for holidays, I love hospitality and this was a good opportunity. I invited John and 3 others to come down for the holiday. I didn't expect him to come, although the invitation had been given. He never was a really really social person, so it surprised me that he decided to come. We had a great meal and afterwards all prayed for a few others that weren't from Bethel and had come to my parents for Thanksgiving. This was a very important part of the timeline because my parents were able to really see John's heart and passion for the Lord. This really caused them to love him and think very highly of him, which turned out to be good for my heart later.

This is the very important prayer time :)

Early December I extended an invitation to John and another friend from the Watch to come for Christmas lunch, knowing that they would be coming down that way anyways. So... 2 holidays down (and a few really bad movies. the road. ninja assassins) now the rest of my life to go... That Christmas, John was strongly considering asking me out but at one point we got into a little tif, which was actually just a misunderstanding, and it silenced him a bit longer. Oh well, I know that God's timing is absolutely perfect. Now more then ever.

Christmas

So, to backtrack a little, John has started an Israel home-group a few months earlier and I had been going regularly. I liked this home-group and loved how John led it, I got to see a whole new side to him. During a prayer time in the first week of January, I felt the Lord encourage me to start having "date" time. Having been a single momma for so long meant that I rarely had time to myself to be around other adults and have fun. What the Lord said to me had to do with preparing Aliyah for a time when I would meet my husband, while he and I would be building adult relationship (little did I know how soon that would be) separate from building relationship as a family. The first opportunity I had to go out and have a fun dinner with some friends came quickly. I decided to get a sitter and go for it. The group was a few girls and a few guys. We went out to eat and then they went on to a movie while I went on to the Israel home-group. When I arrived, John asked me how I was doing and what I had been up to... since I was a little dressed up. I told him I went on a "date"... only referencing back to what I felt like the Lord told me to do, not that it was with a guy. John's response was very mild, but afterwards and thinking back on it... he seemed slightly perturbed by it. We went on, I didn't think of it again until later. Somewhere early in December or maybe even earlier then that, my friend Shaun teased me one night at worship pratice... "Jenn, what about John Wandler... you know, you and HIM?". So funny because I made a comment about how God would need to reveal His father heart to John before John would be a good husband for ANYone. The next day I woke up with such a conviction that I not he was DESPERATE for a revelation of the Father. Then I had to repent to my friend for saying such a thing about another! oh gosh. how weak I am!  Ok, back to January. So after that night, I guess John made up his mind that he didn't like the idea of me being with any one else. So funny, some of the things that help guys along the way. The whole while, I was COMPLETELY oblivious to ANY OF HIS FEELINGS FOR ME. I mentally blocked out even the chance he could be" the one" because of our history. Well, my sister decided to come up for a spontaneous trip that weekend. She came up Friday. She came to the Watch on Friday night and then we did something on Saturday... gosh I can't really remember, but we saw John and my sister asked him if he wanted to chill later and grab some coffee with us. Again, it surprised me (and gave me the wrong idea... the idea that he was crushing on my little sis) but he accepted and we made plans for later that evening. We ended up at Starbucks chatting away, all 4 of us. It was interesting, but it's the first time I remember John asking questions about my history or life before Redding... it was the perfect time to do it because my sis was there to kind of back up my history and give her own input on it and her own history. It was a nice evening, but I still had no idea he even thought I was a decent person or that he could possibly be interested in me. The next day we met up with John and our other friend at another Starbucks before leaving to Sac. Here is a pic from that coffee time:

As we were getting ready to leave for the drive back, John asked me if I minded if he went along. It kinda threw me for a loop, but I just figured he was really into my sister and, knowing he was a good man, I didn't want to get in the way of that. 

TALK ABOUT MIXED SIGNALS?!?!

He sat quietly in the backseat the whole ride there, I wonder if he was so nervous.  Once we got there, we met up with my parents in the parking lot of the Black Bear and then turned right around to come back. It was pretty cloudy and getting dark out so I let him drive back. We decided to stop in that same town at the Burger King because we were hungry and needed to stretch. While we were in there at one point I got kind of chilly and John tried to take off his shirt and give it to me, but it REALLY and I mean really freaked me out... because he had never been that nice to me. We got back in the car and headed home. I was just making conversation but pretty soon into the drive John tells me, "I'm kinda into you". That was IT. HOW Truly ROMANTIC... ha! Actually I don't think it hit me but I was just going with it and we were talking about it all the while little miss ears was in the back seat hearing about how her life was about to change. She still will tell me, "momma, I was in the backseat the whole time!!!!". funny. even though it literally shocked me that evening, I knew it was right and I totally accepted it as God's perfect plan from the moment he said it. I knew immediately that ONLY GOD could do such a crazy thing... 

There were a few God things that are notable.

First, the night my sister slept over either Sat or Sun morning I woke up from the strangest dream and told her right away, although she was half asleep... It was this. In the dream I was sleeping in an circa 1970's limo underneath an highway overpass. All of a sudden one of the female leaders of Bethel along with a crap load of BSSM students started piling into the limo and she peeled out of there... all the while I was trying to climb over everyone and get out of there... but to no avail. next scene I'm in a house looking out windows and not really looking around. then I feel arms around me and hands on my belly and I look around and it's John... and I kinda freak out and tell him to get off me but he says, ever so calmly, "I know what I'm doin". Then I woke up freaked out and told my sis. Also, I never had dreams about John before that.

Second, that Friday night during our worship team debriefing... during something that we had every week, same thing... I looked across the hall at John and my heart was super moved by him (for the first and only time I ever noticed it that significantly). I just saw him completely different... but I just thought I was going nuts and told myself to quite being so strange.

Third, I expected my mom and Tony (dad) to not be happy... because up until that point whenever a man or the idea of a man or relationship would come up they would not be into it at all... I also expected it to really shock some people... Well, my mom and dad actually wept with joy when I skyped and told them (as soon as I got home). that was relieving and a confirmation if I ever had one. and then when I called my friends, only a few of them were surprised at all. Most of them just were waiting... so apparently I was the last one to be clued in.

Fourth, I completely trusted John with Aliyah. In December, I was desperate for someone to stay with her for a little while so I could get some Christmas presents for her and he was the only one available. I honestly thought about it many times and felt so comfortable with her being around him. And although she was nervous at first with him, by the time I found them, they were in the shoe section at Kohl's shopping away and having fun. It was really precious!

Things that are true about my husband:
I love his strength
He fights for me and loves to protect me and Aliyah
He absolutely loves Jesus and is so committed to walking it out
He loves Asic sneakers, specifically Onitsuka Tiger
He makes me laugh more then anyone ever has
He has a servants heart
He's an amazing dad who really takes that responsibility seriously
He's so much more then I asked God for
He promised me he would watch "The Business of Being Born" and he did, although he looked like he might puke at some points. hehe
He isn't the same person that so aggravated me, long ago and far away
I'm so in love with him

Here's the finished product of that love story:)

We'll have been married for 8 months on the 29th of this month and, although marriage isn't a easy peasy, it's so worth it. I love it. I love it and am grateful to God everyday for His kindness in bringing John to be my family.


***disclaimer: my husband says that I exaggerate on some things... but not on the important stuff. 

Whom have I but you?

Whom have I but you By David Ruis

Whom have I but you
Whom have I but you

Though the mountains fall,
they fall into the sea

Though my colored dawn,
may fade to shades of gray

Though questions asked,
may never be resolved


I read a great article today about devotion (read full article on devotion by clicking here). As I read it, I felt my heart grow tender... when it all is said and done, that is what I want to be known for, and nowhere more importantly then heaven. I want the angels speaking of it, amazed. I want the Father to say to Jesus, concerning me "she was devoted... come what may, through trial and tribulation... through personal pain and weakness... she never looked away from your gaze". The words of the song above echo what David contemplates in Psalm 139.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. *(click here to read the full passage)

I love that Psalm. Whom have I? Who goes with me to the darkest places of my soul, who is with me in seasons of ease and joy? Who knows the words of my mouth before they are spoken and, more importantly, knows the responses of my heart to every situation I am faced with in life? Who knows the darkness of my heart and is unsurprised by my weakness? The mysteries of life are many, yet this is not a mystery... it is comforting and perspective giving. only you, Lord, know me.  Over and over through this last season of personal pain, I've come to a focal point of knowing this one thing...at times I will not know the "why". Many people, including me, let the pain of the "why" debilitate them in their walk and trust of God. Still, He is trustworthy. Still, He is faithful. No one knows my frame, but Him. How intimate is that? He's so close. Walking through pain, there is no closer companion then He. How precious to me, He is. If pain and heartache are inherent in this life, then having Him as my everything is a must. Not because what He gives me or who He makes me. Because He knows me. He knows what I'm made out of and the deep workings of my heart... yet He is more majestic then anyone EVER... but He knows my frame. He loves me. Oh how that makes my heart leap for joy.

and just in case anyone was wondering...  YES . my blog will always be about this topic. me doing my best to love Jesus.

Once there was a very young woman...

...who was visited by an angel. The angel visited her to tell her something that would change her life forever. What he told her would bring her physical pain, heartache, scorn, misunderstanding.... and joy in the midst of it... What he told her would happen had never happened before to anyone nor would it ever happen again. How he told her that her life would change, would've been hard to believe even for the most faith filled person. She wonders "How could that possibly happen to me?" The answer, "By the power of the Holy Spirit, for God is limitless and He has a purpose". Her response, when facing all of that? "I am a servant of the Lord, let it happen just as you say"... later on, it is said of her, "blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord".

When I put myself in her shoes, I can hardly imagine having that response. She was childlike in her response, something that is required to enter into the kingdom of heaven (Mark 10:15). Childlike because she trusted that the impossible was possible. I mean, honestly, if anything would be impossible... it would be this. That the God of all creation would humble himself and wear humanity, coming as a baby, for the rest of eternity; it hurts my head when I even think of it. What was going through her mind and heart when the realization hit her that the Christ child would come forth from her very body? This story moves my heart. As a woman who has both had a child and lost a child to heaven, I know that what  was going to take place inside her womb and inside of her heart was really a big deal. Anyhow, I just love reading over this story in Luke 1-2 and Christmas is a great time to do it.

Courage

Tonight during my prayer time at the Watch of the Lord, a dear friend came up to me and said... "courage is a part of your portion on this earth, a part of your calling".

When I heard it, I thought to myself... hmmm. that portion sounds scary and painful. hmmm. don't know if I want that portion. Uh. yeah. let me think that one over.

Here's what the dictionary defines as courage:

Courage.

–noun

1.

the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc.,

without fear; bravery.

So basically that means having to face fears, having to face danger and pain. um. so that means HAVING fears that need to be faced and HAVING danger that needs to be faced and HAVING pain that needs to be faced. yeah. doesn't sound fun. but I guess it's better to have the portion of courage then the portion of cowardice.

It was interesting that my friend gave me that word, because I had been pondering courage all day. In another post sometime, I'll share my last few months of dealing with a very difficult miscarriage. It was definitely a season that I was faced with my absolute worst fears. Here I am on the other side, still alive, but definitely changed. Even now I can feel the tears welling up with the countless unspoken and yet repeatedly thought, poignant epiphanies I ran head first into during the last 2 months... but again, it's for another time. Back to courage. Okay, so earlier today I decided to get the little one out for some fresh air, I walked and she rode her bike. We were only about 10 minutes into our walk in a direction we usually don't take, down a relatively busy street in downtown Redding. All of a sudden the sidewalk ended and gravel/lumpy grass ensued. There wasn't even a shoulder on the street to walk on, nor was there a chance to cross. I decided that the gravel/lumpy grass wasn't too much for Aliyah to ride her bike on and told her that she'd need to get a little speed up and not mind the bumps to keep the bike from sliding. She started to ride, but then angled her bike toward the street while at the same time telling me that she couldn't do it and that she wanted to ride on pavement. I was probably about 10 feet behind her, as it was a narrow path, even on the grass. In that moment I didn't have the patience to be calm when I thought that she was going to wind up in the busy street so I commanded her to "ride on that path or you're gonna get paddled"... as soon as I said that she sped up and stayed steady and got to the end in a matter of minutes. I talked to her afterward about the danger that she was facing and her need to listen and obey immediately. As I was pondering what had just happened, I realized a very very key reality for me and what I had just been through over the last months. I even shared it with her, but kept it in terms of her situation. I explained to her that when she was facing a situation which might have been a little scary for her, it helped her to have something that she was actually more afraid of (being paddled in this case) for her to choose courage and go for it. This really rang true for me and here's how; I have been faced with, like I said earlier, pretty much all of my worst fears over the last 2 months... I had no option ahead of me that was a good option. I had no "escape route" from facing some really scary things. It took me the whole time I was going through the situation to come to terms with the only options I had. I had 2 options, both really not fun, but I couldn't control how things wound up, only God could. For over 6 weeks I waited, praying and hoping that I would have the lesser of the 2 evils, but coming to terms with possibly having to have the worse of the 2. In the end, God's plan was to supernaturally give me the lesser of the 2 evils, but not before that became, not just the lesser of the 2 evils, but actually something that I would be SO SO GRATEFUL for. After all was said and done, I thought to myself, WHO WOULD BE GRATEFUL for that to happen??? but yet, God, in His infinite wisdom, gave me a grateful heart to face a very scary situation. I was actually PRAISING HIM through the whole painful and messy ordeal... what a strange feeling... and what's even stranger is that it made the WHOLE THING BARE-ABLE. Thank you Jesus that facing so many fears made some of those fears completely OBSOLETE. You are a good God. Such a faithful God.

So yeah, I was pondering courage today a lot. I don't want to go through painful and scary times, but if I have to go through them (which seems to be how life goes), I'd love for God to give me a strong and courageous heart. One that will not fail in hard times. One that isn't afraid of "bad news".

:)

the yes.

Gosh. I'm not good at blogging consistently. Things have been too roller coaster - ish. wow, is that even a word? hmmm. ok, anways, I make no promises of getting better at consistency but I will try. The last few months have been trying and painful, but here I am alive and closer then ever to embracing the surrender necessary to loving God. I've been reading through Genesis 24 over the last week after hearing a message entitled "Rebekah: the extravagent heart of the bride" (http://mikebickle.org/resources/resource/2976). This message was right up my alley and I encourage you to check it out. One of the most highlighted realities of my life, through the Holy Spirit, is the understanding of Phil 2:13. The verse says, " for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure". When I read that I hear Bickle's words echoing in my head... it's all about having a "YES" in your spirit to the Lord. If there's a moment, even a second of time, that I desire to seek God or to love Him wholeheartedly; it's the grace of God working in my heart to say yes to the movement of the Holy Spirit. All I'm saying is, I'm very grateful for God moving upon my heart with a yes. It's so wonderful to actually feel that yes. Even when I'm feeling so weak and hard hearted, that yes so intricately links me to the pleasure of God. He sees that yes that He put there, He sees that I agree with it and it brings Him so much pleasure. He sees my darkness and weakness, He sees my sin; but somehow, that yes... that yes in my heart moves Him. The message of Rebekah is moving. It really is the yes, the abandoned yes. She had no idea what she was getting herself into, except that it was God.

God, form in me that extravagant yes. The abandoned yes is so worth it, help me to trust fully and believe fully and open my heart to say yes to you again and again.